Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
