I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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