I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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