Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
