you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
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Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
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I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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