I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
