Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
