she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
