Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
