ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
