I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
