How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
