You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
