omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
