Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
