trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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