I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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