I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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