He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
