He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
