apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
