You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
