I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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