My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
