If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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