I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
