The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
