I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
