Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
