Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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