The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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