Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
