I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
