i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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