you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
