Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
