is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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