bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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