She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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