either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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