i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
