It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
