I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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