I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
