I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
