Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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