i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
