A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
