i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
