Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
