she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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