Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
