Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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