I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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