I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
