nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
