I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
