Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
