My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
