ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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